Blessed and Cursed

 I come from an old faith sprung from Christianity and Masonry and maybe a little fraud. But from my Christianity and sincerity I learned a long time ago that God does two things. We appeal to God for essentially two things. That perhaps are the same or one in the same. Two sides to the same coin. The blessing and the cursing. The promised land has the following promise...obey and prosper, disobey and be destroyed. That's the essence of it all. When we followed the directions of the ball it kept us in the more fertile parts of the wilderness. So the story goes. I am lost in a dark wood. Wandering in the desert I am. To be middle forties without any clear pathway forward. To look forward to it all ending so there's no more trouble. I enjoy nothing any more. That past decade or so has been terribly difficult for me. I don't know why. For some reason it seems like it's a little more difficult than the average person. When I was young, I was always in trouble because I was irresponsible. Now that I'm old it seems like I'm always in trouble because I am responsible. I have 4 children and I live in a time when people don't do that so often. I work like a dog and I'm aging. I sought God because I felt like without his blessings I couldn't survive. Now that I'm away from God I secretly think he's cursing me and I won't survive. I don't think he'll kill me terribly soon though. I think it's more like he's going to make it as painful as possible for as long as possible. 

All has become dark. I have not hope. I just have work. Lot's and lots of work and not enough time. Never enough time. I hate it. It's miserable. Karoshi is the Japanese word for people who die at their job. What a fucking miserable way to die. I hate my job. I know it takes advantage of me but I can't do anything else. I have no alternatives because I have 4 children and a helpless fucking retarded wife. 

I love God, but I fear him too. When I was young my father was cursed. My mother taught me about the curse, but she claims to not believe in it. Just to believe in conditioning me to fear it. And I fear it. I think it's the nature of sin that if you aren't right with God, then you can never ever ever ever ever be happy. I'm not right with God. The price to become right with God is too steep. I can't pay it anymore. I paid it for a long time and it took everything i had and it was very satisfying. But then I lost it and now I'm bitter and mad that it could all wash away that easily. 

And now I'm getting old. And more tired and less smart. The blessings and the cursings. The cursings have sunk deep into me and I don't have a way to get back out. I wish I did. But it's all become too hard. I have debts that no honest man can pay. Everything dies...that's a fact...but maybe everything that dies someday comes back.